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If you had anorexia, would you tell anyone?
And it?s like,
You don?t know how long I starve
You didn?t even notice that I lost seven kilos last holidays
You don?t know how much gum I go through,
How I slave everyday to work out,
How I know the calories in everything, you name it
How I?m just not skinny enough,
My bmi isn?t low enough.
I cant have anorexia? I?m not too thin yet
You don?t know what its like to throw up whole chunks of food, literally scooping out pasta from your throat
You don?t know what it?s like to shit out blood, having to cry sitting on a toilet because of the PAIN
You don?t know what it?s like to feel so fucking tired all the fucking time
Feeling scared just because of certain foods
I mean, where?d you think my fear of tomato sauce comes from?
How you love, love sweet foods but can never have them, cause only fat kids eat sweets
How you starve all fucking day and then binge, and you can only feel total guilt.
How you can?t purge when you?re not home alone, how you can?t purge after dinner if you?ve already had a shower,
How you are scared shitless of the shower drain blocking, and a plumber fixing it, and all your dinners for months floating on the shower floor.
How your mum comments on your thinness, but then calls you a pig or cow later on.
How you?re so fucking crazy, all you think about is anorexia or food.
How you can?t tell anyone because you don?t LOOK anorexic
But believe me, I have anorexia and worse, I have it all. The binging, the purging, the starving, the compulsive exercising, the distorted body image, the whole fucking lot
I even smoke caffeine to curb my binges.
I live off fucking coffee ! but it has to be bitter black, because I don?t eat milk. I don?t eat dairy. I don?t eat cheese, yoghurt, sugar, sausages, most meats, bread, cereals, toast, juice, sauces, jams, milkshakes, take away, fast food, lollies, wraps?.
So what do I eat? Sugarless coffee and apples, and throwing up dinner
Then why am I so fat?
That is the question I ask every fucking minute, of every fucking day
I still have hips, I still have thunder thighs, I still have fat everywhere
But on the rare mercy I see a glimpse of skeleton, but then all I see are fat monsters, crawling all over me
My friends don?t know, but then bitch about other anorexics, more boyfriend doesn?t know, he just thinks I work out a lot, mum guesses but then sees me binging on chocolate so she think?s again, no body fucking knows, no body fucking sees me either.
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